Horoscopes for the week starting Monday 20th March 2006:
Aries March 21-April 19
If you're having guests around in the second half of the week make sure you clean up all the crips crumbs which are all down the sides of the sofa. It's not pleasant to sit down with a crunch.
Taurus April 20-May 20
If you happen to play for Sunderland Football Club, this would be a good time to start looking ahead to the summer transfer window. If you live in Sunderland, move.
Gemini May 21-June 21
The clocks going forward on Sunday will be especially confusing this year, and you'll feel even more cheated out of that hour of sleep than usual. Think of it as a savings account where you get the hour back in October and it won't seem to bad.
Cancer June 22-July 22
You may wake up on Tuesday not knowing where you are. Hopefully it's just temporary and you're not a kidnap victim, but don't get into any strange cars on Monday night just to be sure.
Leo July 23-August 22
It'll be one of those weeks where you find out lots of interesting facts, but somehow when you tell them to other people they won't sound so interesting any more and everyone will just stand around in an uncomfortable silence.
Virgo August 23-September 22
Brighten up a dull week by winding up a builder. Tell him you want something like a cross between a pergola and a conservatory, and ask him to quote for building a purgatory on the back of your house.
Libra September 23-October 22
It'll be one of those weeks where you hear lots of good jokes, but somehow when you tell them to other people they won't find them quite so funny and everyone will just stand around in an uncomfortable silence. Try not to get stuck in a conversation with a Leo at a party because you're both on a "crash and burn" type week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You'll remember it's Mother's Day on Saturday night when it's too late to do much about it. Even this reminder won't help much, you're that disorganised.
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
Try not to do any of the following activities in a particularly accident-prone week: skydiving, bear-baiting, lion-taming, beekeeping, sudoko.
Capricorn December 22-January 19
Try not to get pregnant this week as any baby will have a birthday far to close to Christmas and you know all too well how annoying that is.
Aquarius January 20-February 18
By Thursday, you'll probably start hearing the phrase "But didn't you spend last night watching football?". If you're a female then you may find yourself saying this phrase.
Pisces February 19-March 20
You may learn on Tuesday that your front room is on a public footpath and you'll have to let people with beards, walking boots and anoraks through the front room while you're trying to watch telly. It's probably best just to move the telly.